Dreams

I've pushed mine aside...or given up on them. I can look back on the dreams I've had since I was a child up until now and see how easily I gave them up. I'm a yellow which presents many challenges in following through with these things. I hate conflict. I can see it coming and excuse myself from the situation to avoid the conflict. I'm easily distracted. I'm easily frustrated. I tend to be an all out slacker I guess.

The value for the month of March is Dreams(This is referring to my Club). The context of that being this very subject. Realizing that our dreams don't come true with luck or by chance. They are realized after much planning and work. We must set a goal and see it through. I feel like having dreams gives us hope for a better future. I've been thinking alot about this and realized that in allowing my dreams to be crushed, I've allowed myself to give up hope of a better future. I want out of this rut!!

I have to admit, some things are no longer possible for me. For instance, when I was too young, and getting married, I wanted to have 8 children. I wanted to be a stay at home mom that baked bread & kept an immaculate home. Ten years in, with 3 wonderful kids and a wonderful husband that I don't see much of , I know there is no chance of 8 kids. I definitely DO NOT want 8 kids now. I can see my limitations which has changed that dream. The baking bread thing is overrated and until I can afford a maid or my children are out of the house I don't know that the immaculate home will happen either.

But there are some other dreams from long ago that have stuck with me. They've haunted me. They sneak back up on me from time to time and remind me of my failures. I won't share them all. Even I keep a few things to myself. I have felt for most of my life that I'm not a person that can attain the things I dream of. I've been a sell out! AGHH! I hate admitting that but it's true.

For today, the one dream that I will divulge, that is on my mind, (it's no surprise) is the piano. My greatest passion and my greatest regret. It's all tied up into one big mess of emotions for me to sort out. I gave it up so easily. I was young. I was conflicted. I was tired. I was a MESS! I didn't know how to be honest with anyone back then where my innermost feelings were concerned. It's why I got involved in crummy relationships. It's why I dropped out of school. It's definitely why I gave up on the only honest part of me, my music. I could express any emotion, honestly, on that piano. It was the only place I felt comfortable in my own skin. (You have no idea how far I've come since then.) I never should have given it up.

I've recently reconnected with another piano buddy from my days of musical bliss. Vianna is her name. We met in Chico. She was studying with Dr. Bowman as well. We were matched up for duets a few times. We connected with one another. We would perform and I swear in that moment we could read each others minds. When I quit school I lost touch. I guess the more honest explanation was that I chose to disconnect. I couldn't admit it then but I can now. I was ashamed of myself for being so weak and so stupid.

We've been chatting online recently. She graduated and finished with a music degree. She had the big senior recital that I always dreamed about. She has helped me to push myself back into playing. It's such a slow process. With my family & teaching, it's a VERY slow process. We've decided that we're meeting up in August. I'll go to Chico and meet her there. We will go to Dr. Bowman's for a reunion of sorts. It will be the 3 of us in his piano studio. Our goal is to prepare a duet once again. Just like the old days. It's terrifying and exhilarating all at once. ( I often feel conflicting emotions at the same time!) This may not seem big to most. Most don't know what it's like in my head. This is life changing for me. It's a second chance to prove to myself that it's not too late. That I can follow through with something to make myself better. I can go after my dreams. I've got to start posting affirmations around the house. I've got alot of changing to do inside my head. Wish me luck!!! Or better, wish me some self discipline!!