What Was On My Mind Last Night

I'm now 37 weeks. I realized last night that I have no pictures of myself pregnant this time. I also realized I haven't taken ANY pictures since I got pregnant. Which means, as much as I thought I could never do it, I've become like so many mothers of multiples. You give the youngest children the short stick. My mom did it. I've always been a little irked by the things my younger siblings get away with or are allowed to do that would have gotten me grounded for weeks on end. Yet, as I think on this new revelation of my neglect to my kids, I wonder if they go hand in hand. You feel so guilty about robbing them of cherished, priceless memories of their childhood that you compensate by letting them get away with too much in the later years. Or, more likely is that in making peace with your neglect and accepting that while it isn't fair, it doesn't make you a bad mother; you then make peace with letting other things go....like the age restriction on shaving legs or wearing mascara or calling boys on the phone. I don't know. I do feel bad for Cameron. Bruce has issues about having little photos of his life. He was the 5th and final child. He also ran wild as a teen. I'm really hoping I haven't created a monster in not taking photos for the last 37 weeks. And, I really better make sure I know where the camera is and that it's charged with a empty memory card or I very well may miss taking pictures of this next child's birth....what would that mean? Serial killer? Bank robber? I'm going to go now and make sure the camera is located and ready to shoot.

Trials

I'm trying to get back into this blogging thing. I do miss it. The timing of and the actual pregnancy have been a trial for me. Nothing to worry about with the baby or me. We've both been perfectly fine. I'm just a person that hates any discomfort and whines about it. My absence from blogging has been a direct result of this. I don't want to be the person that bitches all the time. (I know I should probably word that differently to both be a more virtuous woman and to be respectful of readers that don't appreciate my mouth. But I'm in no mood to impress or worry about propriety.)

Here I sit tonight, to blog once again. Finally, a life lesson that is blog worthy. Very real and still somewhat witty.(At least I think it is.)

I can't get into to all my woes. Too many details that don't need to be shared. Some insignificant, while others are truly a mess. Nothing life threatening. Just extremely stressful and at times humiliating. I've had many days of feeling all dignity stripped from me. The funny part of it is that I have no qualms about indignity when I volunteer it. It's when it's forced upon me that I have trouble with.

Here's the background. Bruce & I have been dealing with alot of financial stress. As is everyone else I know. Being pregnant on top of it has made it more difficult to cope. My house is a mess because I can't muster the energy to do more than 1 small thing before I have to sit. I can hardly bend over. My varicose veins are getting to be quite painful. My feet are swollen and numb. I'm not sleeping, etc., etc. What can I say? I'm having a rough time.

WARNING: here comes the gross & shameless part. About 2 weeks ago I had a new trial arise. One so terribly awful that it had me contemplating taking some very extreme measures. For the first time in my life, I busted out a new friend, HEM!! You know the one, nickname for hemorrhoid. I've always loved that saying, "You're like a pimple on my arse....I pop you but you just keep coming back." No, No....the better effect would come from a hemorroid analogy. I've never had so much havoc to my rear end. Even during giving birth to Spencer, as I was yelling that he's coming out my a@! like some lunatic, it was better than this. At least then, it was over after a few hours. This was constant for 2 weeks. This trial was so horrendous for me that when, after much drama, ranting,a box of wet wipes and a very indecent examination from a very cute doctorish type person; it miraculously went away, I felt a new lease on life. All the trials from financial to constipation to my not so friendly anaconda in the jungle to the crazy facial hairs to my sausage toes became manageable and almost nice. It's funny how trials feel so terrible & overwhelming....then that nasty hemorroid bangs down you're back door and teaches you that you really are being watched over and things could be oh so much worse. And that my friends, turns "HEM" into a real friend....a real blessing of sorts.

Countdown to the Big Feast! #4

I missed yesterday....I was busy and honestly, couldn't think of much to say. Isn't that terrible. Here I am the day before Thanksgiving and am having a hard time thinking of something worth while to be grateful for. That's never a good sign.

So, in my last ditch effort to be a better person and count my blessings here is my list:

1-I'm thankful for pie. It makes me feel good.
2-I'm thankful for bedtime. It's amazing how much you enjoy you're children while they sleep. It's so much easier to reflect on their goodness during bedtime.
3-I'm thankful for the piano. When I find I can't put my fist through the wall or into my husband's jaw, I know I can take out my aggression in a dark Beethoven Sonata.
4-I'm thankful for my OB. Dr. Lemieux. Anyone that can check out you're nasty swollen prego parts and still smile at you, is a blessing.
5-I'm thankful for friends. The ones who have brownies, chips. bread, etc on hand when I'm near are my favorites.
6-I'm thankful for my new flat iron. My sis, Brittney, saved me from insanity with my new flat iron. Good hair is the difference between down in the dumps for a moment or clinically depressed.
7-I'm thankful for in-laws that invite you over for Thanksgiving dinner and only ask you to bring a green salad. Could it get any easier than that?
8-I'm thankful for prospective. Just when you think you're life sucks, you think about your druggie brother, your convict sister in law, your bi-polar sister, your welfare friend, your friend fighting cancer, your friend getting divorced....I'm sober, healthy and still married....That's a true blessing.
9-I'm thankful for my Live, Laugh, Love club. I never knew how wonderful it could be to put a few Mormons, a few Presbyterians, a Greek & a Jew together. Ironically, when I'm with them, it makes me want to be a better Mormon. Funny, huh?
10-I'm thankful for my children. Even when they are awake. They challenge me, sure. But they love me whether I'm Mom of the Year or fresh off of Jerry Springer. That's the greatest blessing of all.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow!!

Countdown to the Big Feast! #3

Well, today is easy. I am so thankful for breaks from school & piano. Today has been wonderfully productive. I've enjoyed my kids. No alarm clock. No freezing cold car. No tardy slips. No forgetting the library books. Or fight over which color cereal bowl we'll use. We've done some housework and that's about it. We've been spending the afternoon goofing around, napping and not caring about much else. Oh, wait, we did make Indian costumes out of paper grocery sacks. The kids made matching head pieces using the feathers from Bruce's duck. And, Cameron decided to pee on the laundry room floor for no apparent reason. Hmmm. I didn't have to yell. Because we're on break. So, improper pissing doesn't bother me as much. It's such a wonderful way to make a Monday great.

Countdown to the Big Feast! #2

Today I'm thankful for great food. Well, preferably great food....but food generally speaking as well. I'm cooking short ribs tonight. They won't be nearly as tasty as Roxy's short ribs, but they will still be wonderful. After dinner, our family will be making our own ice cream sundaes for dessert. Won't that be fabulous?

As I'm preparing dinner, the kids are working on a construction paper turkey, made out of each of our hand prints. We will each write on our fingers something that we're grateful for. The turkey will be adorned upon the box that we assemble our annual Thanksgiving dinner for another family in. As I drool over the thought of short ribs and ice cream soon to come, I reflect on the dear family that may not be able to have a Thanksgiving dinner, let alone an average Sunday dinner. Food not only is an essential source of energy to our bodies. It is an essential source for my mental and emotional wellness. Great food is one of my favorite things in this whole existence. I can easily see how providing food for your family, especially when you have a house full, can become such a hardship. With all of the financial stresses my family has had and is currently having, I'm still blessed with these delectable short ribs.

So, for today, I recognize the great blessing of having food in my home for my family to enjoy. It is truly a blessing.

Countdown to the Big Feast! #1

Today I am thankful for hunting season. Shocking I know. Most hunting widows that I know despise the season. And believe me, I often agree. But today, I need some quiet. I need to get a break from the 2 ferocious beasts. Not Bruce & Spencer, Magnum & Ramsey. (Although Bruce is known for being beastly.) I've been wanting to organize a few things without getting my butt sniffed every time I bend over. Or drop a duke in the toilet without Ramsey trying to peek in. Now is the time that I can. Bruce and Spencer have left for the afternoon to hunt. If I'm really lucky, he'll even bring me home a plump pheasant or two. And if he brings home those nasty dove instead and tosses them in my fridge, then you may be reading tomorrow's Countdown to the Big Feast #2.....all about how grateful I am for life insurance.

The other part of hunting season that makes me grateful is seeing how excited Spencer is. This is his thing with dad and every boy needs that. He painted his face like a warrior. I'm not sure if he's trying to blend in or was thinking of Squanto, which he just finished reading at school. Either way, he looks like a dirty hunter with a missing front tooth. I love it!!!

Survival

I've been away for awhile. Not anywhere. Still here. Just not blogging. To be honest, I haven't been myself. I've lost all motivation and inspiration. I'm now 21 weeks pregnant. I feel like I should be about 31 weeks by now. I was sick; that's over. Thankfully. I was really truly losing my mind. I was irrational, negative, foul mouthed, and distraught. I was becoming very resentful of the fact that I feel very alone in this whole thing of pregnancy. I get it effects the husband too, yada yada yada.....But let's be honest. This is my show. It's all on me. Bruce doesn't have an anaconda growing in his foot, ankle and leg. He doesn't have pimples popping up in places pimples should never be. He doesn't have little hiccups inside of him keeping him awake at night. There are no scales to face. He is not going to have to lay in front of a room of strangers with what feels like a bowling ball coming out of his private parts. He isn't living in fear of hemorrhoids creeping in. The list goes on and on.

I had to go buy bras yesterday. At only 21 weeks I've gone up 3 cup sizes. What will this mean for me once my milk comes in? I imagine they may very well become so large that I'll need a permit to carry deadly weapons. Ok, true; It's a pretty cool problem. I won't complain about that. We all know I love my lady lumps. Getting off track a little, my openness about my chest recently got me into a little hot water. So, if you haven't learned by now.....if you're offended by my boob talk....it's with nothing but love and respect I warn you to stay off my blog.

Anyway, back to my rant. There is one annoying thing I'm dealing with that Bruce is one up me on. That is the ridiculous amount of body hair I have growing in various places. He's got me there. That's for sure. I had to go get the sides of my face waxed!! This is only the surface. Let's put physical annoyances aside. My house is running a muck. It's just plain gross. I usually love to cook. I can't stand it. I decided a little while back that the only road to survival is to make sure that we all have clean underwear. Even that has been challenging. (Speaking of the kiddos that is.) I would love to have family around to help me. I've asked for divine intervention. Maybe I could have a week where I feel like wonder woman and can work from sun up to sun down cleaning, cooking, and organizing. Or maybe one day a crew of lovely women will move in to fix it all. It hasn't happened. Although, now that I've got my 34 G's in place and happy....Things are looking up.

Literally.