My Yesterday

Yesterday, I went over to my friend Michele's house. Her sister was in town. She's a massage therapist. She brought her reflexology chair out and I got to be the lucky client. Oooh, the wonders of having an hour of hard, healing work put into your feet. Awwwww! I wasn't home too long before I had to do piano lessons...only 2. Short day for me. I was no more done then I had to run out the door to pick up the sitter. I literally brought her & my kids back to my house, unlocked the front door and said, "Good Luck!" and I was off again. (This is how the week goes when your a single parent....no splitsville....Bruce is working out of town.)

I walked into Ultimate Nails in Loehman's Plaza 10 minutes early. Picked out my Big Apple Red nailcolor and planted my toosh in the massage chair. This was the most intense massage chair I've sat in I think....it shook the bejeeez out of my girls and the belly fat they comfortably shade....But, awwww....it was heavenly. Not long after my LLL friends arrived. We caught up on the happenings over the course of the last month since we met over pedi's and mani's....Is there anything better, really?

Then we crossed the lot to Jack's for a yummy salad....and a few, ok, alot of garlic fries....SOOOO good. We chatted some more. Then ended up at the yogurt shop across the street to finish off the night.

When I got home the kiddos were all tucked in and fast asleep. The sitter left. I was alone!!! I can't describe how exciting that was for me!!!! What to do....I rented Mamma Mia on pay per view but fell asleep before I got too involved. I awoke at about 12:30 realizing that as much as I love being alone in the quiet during the daylight, I'm terrified of it in the middle of the night. I'm a girl that needs a man in her bed. But, that's a whole other sizzlin' post. I wasn't about to let my joyous day end in terror!! I did what any smart girl would do...I pulled that cute little Cameron right out of his bed and put him in mine. The joy of my day was complete with a little bedtime plead to God above for safety and protection throughout the night and my sweet little boyfriend to spoon. Hmmm....I love my life.

What a little color can bring

This is a picture of me from last month, right after I colored my hair. Yes, I DID IT MYSELF! I'm trying to cut costs like everyone else. I went to Johnathon the next week for a cut because the fact remains that he can make me look & feel fabulous like no other!! A little Lady Gaga and some funny stories about the life of a gay man and I walk away feeling so full of life and overjoyed at how blessed my life is. I have an internal list of seemingly shallow things that are rather important in my life. Hair happens to be at the top. It's almost a tie with make-up but I think hair is really the first. Don't you dare judge me for it either.

Let me tell you a little story to illustrate why. When I was a youngster, growing up in Chico, I had a very VERY awkward stage. I was tall and lanky. I was uncoordinated and clumsy. I had a big nose that already had hair growing out of it. I had big bucky beaver teeth. I had no butt. I had (& still do) a deformed thumb. When I started into middle school, the middle of 6th grade, after moving to Red Bluff....I still had all of these physical insecurities and then my boobs got huge. I actually started wearing a bra in 4th grade. The boys in my primary class would snap my bra. It was humiliating. By the end of 6th grade I was a D cup. By high school I was a DD. Boys at school ignored me most of the time. They only occasionally acknowledged me and that was only to offer me money if they could see my boobs. What a bunch of jack @##@! Still no butt, still buck teeth, and on and on. You might wonder why I'm describing myself in such a way...Easy, this is how I remember myself because this is what people teased me about every day. The first time I got teased about my nose hairs was in 3rd grade. We were playing Red Rover out in the field. I was standing in the long line when the kid next to me looked at me and said "You're nose is disgusting...I've never seen such a forest in one nostril before." No one told me about nose hair trimmers until I was an adult. That's just mean. Then there was the time on the last day of 6th grade. I had actually just finished school. My mom let me go down to Chico to go to the last day of my old school with my cousin for the big play day. I was thrilled to see my old friends. It had only been a few months that I'd been gone. We were on the blacktop in the middle of a volleyball game when this girl clear across the blacktop yelled across the playground, "Hey that Tanja girl that use to piss her pants in class is back." Everyone laughed. Except me. There was the time in the 7th grade when my social studies teacher was talking about how the color of mankind's skin has evolved over time based on their geographic location. He believed that Africa made black skinned people because they had more sun exposure and over time their skinned had evolved into a very dark pigment. He thought that you should be able to tell the geographic location of your ancestry based on how well your skin tans. I thought this was complete crap (as most things taught in Red Bluff were) and was very confused. I asked him how is it then that my sister would get extremely tan while I would just burn and stay white. We have the exact same ancestry so obviously you cannot tell from tanning ability alone where you're from. He said in front of the entire class, "It's obvious that you are of African descent because you're facial features are much to large to be from any other continent."

I could go on for hours with all the stories of ridicule and insults that lead to the complexity of my complexes. I can tell you this. The only way I have been able to ignore the voices of those bullies,( and I still hear them from time to time), was to have great hair, great make-up and look cute. Something about having great color on your hair and face make me feel like a million bucks. I forget for a moment that I hate my flabby flat toosh. I forget that my belly is now nasty. I can love my enormous nostrils and mouth. I'm happy to be seen by people. I'm happy to be with my husband and my kids. I can get stuff done. If I let my hair go, I'm back to being that awkward kid that picks herself over about every little thing. I just sit around and feel sorry for myself. I'm not saying hair is most important in life. Obviously, it's not even close. But if something as simple as making sure my hair looks good gives me the confidence to be happy in my own skin then it's sooo worth it! I guess the truth is that those that judge me for the fact that I care about how I look really don't know me at all. Maybe they should try a bottle of color and see what it brings them? Bet it's something good!!

As for those mean kids, I have better hair than you...neener!!! neener!!!! neener!!!!

Move over FlyLady...SexyLady's in the House!

A word of advice to my lady friends, go buy yourself a sexy apron to put on in the morning after you've showered and got your make-up on. Wear it all day and be amazed at what you'll happily accomplish. There's nothing like some flashy red lipstick and a HOT apron to make you feel domestic bliss!!

P.S. And if you happen to have one of those husbands who scrutinizes every purchase...get the apron anyway...shower up, makeup on, put on ONLY the apron...he'll forgive you!!

A New Week

Hmmm, I've got another confession. (I like to get things off my chest!) In addition to binge eating and not exercising I've been on a bit of a spending streak too. UGHHH, the guilt. Well, that's a lie. I've always felt that I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. Does that make sense? My friend Molly refers to it as the good ole' Catholic guilt. I'm not Catholic. I'm a Mormon. But, my dad came from a Catholic family so I think not only do I have the Mormon guilt...I've inherited the Catholic guilt too. It's a double whammy! But, The guilt isn't what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about what I've been spending on. As much as I need to get myself in check, I admit I'm sooo elated about it. I ran out of my favorite Lancome moistuizer way back when....So, I got another. Chi-Ching! I also had run out of my favorite shampoo & conditioner, Pureology. Chi-Ching! I got my hair cut on Friday. Then I was at Target & they have some really cute stuff right now... I picked up a fabulous hat & denim jacket. After that trip I went to Red Bluff. The main intent was to take care of my Grandpa for the weekend. I ran over to a jewery show with my sister before my shift officially started. I came home with a lovely, plump bag of jewelry. Oh, and another hat! Chi-Ching! I stayed the night with Gramps and had a great weekend with my family. My mom, sister & I snuck down to Chico for a few hours to have a little get together with Patrice. That is when the food binging got bad. I had a stomach ache the rest of the day and into Sunday. But....I looked really cute in my new hats & earrings!!!

Now, Monday has arrived. The spending spree is DONE! It's to the gym and minimal eating for me. How wonderful it is to have a fresh start!

Dreams

I've pushed mine aside...or given up on them. I can look back on the dreams I've had since I was a child up until now and see how easily I gave them up. I'm a yellow which presents many challenges in following through with these things. I hate conflict. I can see it coming and excuse myself from the situation to avoid the conflict. I'm easily distracted. I'm easily frustrated. I tend to be an all out slacker I guess.

The value for the month of March is Dreams(This is referring to my Club). The context of that being this very subject. Realizing that our dreams don't come true with luck or by chance. They are realized after much planning and work. We must set a goal and see it through. I feel like having dreams gives us hope for a better future. I've been thinking alot about this and realized that in allowing my dreams to be crushed, I've allowed myself to give up hope of a better future. I want out of this rut!!

I have to admit, some things are no longer possible for me. For instance, when I was too young, and getting married, I wanted to have 8 children. I wanted to be a stay at home mom that baked bread & kept an immaculate home. Ten years in, with 3 wonderful kids and a wonderful husband that I don't see much of , I know there is no chance of 8 kids. I definitely DO NOT want 8 kids now. I can see my limitations which has changed that dream. The baking bread thing is overrated and until I can afford a maid or my children are out of the house I don't know that the immaculate home will happen either.

But there are some other dreams from long ago that have stuck with me. They've haunted me. They sneak back up on me from time to time and remind me of my failures. I won't share them all. Even I keep a few things to myself. I have felt for most of my life that I'm not a person that can attain the things I dream of. I've been a sell out! AGHH! I hate admitting that but it's true.

For today, the one dream that I will divulge, that is on my mind, (it's no surprise) is the piano. My greatest passion and my greatest regret. It's all tied up into one big mess of emotions for me to sort out. I gave it up so easily. I was young. I was conflicted. I was tired. I was a MESS! I didn't know how to be honest with anyone back then where my innermost feelings were concerned. It's why I got involved in crummy relationships. It's why I dropped out of school. It's definitely why I gave up on the only honest part of me, my music. I could express any emotion, honestly, on that piano. It was the only place I felt comfortable in my own skin. (You have no idea how far I've come since then.) I never should have given it up.

I've recently reconnected with another piano buddy from my days of musical bliss. Vianna is her name. We met in Chico. She was studying with Dr. Bowman as well. We were matched up for duets a few times. We connected with one another. We would perform and I swear in that moment we could read each others minds. When I quit school I lost touch. I guess the more honest explanation was that I chose to disconnect. I couldn't admit it then but I can now. I was ashamed of myself for being so weak and so stupid.

We've been chatting online recently. She graduated and finished with a music degree. She had the big senior recital that I always dreamed about. She has helped me to push myself back into playing. It's such a slow process. With my family & teaching, it's a VERY slow process. We've decided that we're meeting up in August. I'll go to Chico and meet her there. We will go to Dr. Bowman's for a reunion of sorts. It will be the 3 of us in his piano studio. Our goal is to prepare a duet once again. Just like the old days. It's terrifying and exhilarating all at once. ( I often feel conflicting emotions at the same time!) This may not seem big to most. Most don't know what it's like in my head. This is life changing for me. It's a second chance to prove to myself that it's not too late. That I can follow through with something to make myself better. I can go after my dreams. I've got to start posting affirmations around the house. I've got alot of changing to do inside my head. Wish me luck!!! Or better, wish me some self discipline!!

Lucky Me

Another St. Patty's Day gone. Monday I made the cake for our Irish tradition of eating the green cake w/ the phrase, "Lucky Us, We Have Each Other" written in frosting. Unfortunately, those awful little leprechauns got into it while I was sleeping. Hmmm, was it the dog, Bruce, or maybe the leprechauns really do exist? Spencer constructed the trap for the critters. They got away again. I think it might have been the sugar from the cake that spun them into overdrive and helped with the getaway! The cake destruction was a real bummer. I don't like to bake as it is. I'm certainly not going to bake the same cake twice. Plus, I had piano lessons at the house yesterday. No time for that amidst all the cleaning and stuff. Taylor & I ran to trusty Bel Air. They always have there bakery loaded with the holiday essentials. Nope. Not this time. I had to settle for cupcakes w/ white frosting & green sprinkles. Slightly festive in my opinion. But, it saved me from baking the second cake...and that is great! I roasted a corned beef brisket. Served it up with some cabbage, carrots & potatoes. It was good! I was looking forward to eating our Irish meal together once Bruce was back with the kids from baseball practice & my lessons were done. Nope. Bruce snuck in the kitchen, carved up my brisket & had the kids eat it in the car. So, I ate my celebratory feast alone. The cupcakes were a hit with the kids. I tried with all my might to get a great picture of us for my St. Patrick's Day album (& of course my blog). The picture wouldn't turn out with the timer on. Bruce was getting grouchier by the second waiting for me to figure it out. So, to save us all from certain mayhem, I let Bruce stretch is arm out for the good ole' do it yourself pose. I really want these things to go smooth so my family can have a wonderful memory of the holidays. How quickly I forget that when I married Bruce, I chose the life of luxury- Griswold style!! After the picture fiasco, we had a few minutes of pleasant conversation while we went around the table to tell why we are lucky to have our family. Here were the responses:

Cameron-(kept smiling and giggling) then said , "like Daddy to tickle me."
Taylor- "I like tickles too"
Spencer- "We have lots of toys." (He doesn't have that many....And usually complains about it!)
Mom- I always have someone to cuddle with.
Dad- Because there is so much love. ( I know he means this but I sure felt the sarcasm.)

Sometimes I wonder is I am the only wife & mother that has no control of her family. There is a constant whirlwind of chaos & mess. It's difficult while in the middle of the insanity to keep your sense of gratitude. Sometimes I have to force myself to pull back and quiet my mind so that I can feel the magnitude of all I'm blessed with. I am blessed to have this family. My kids are amazing little people. I love them more than I could ever describe. I'm even grateful for my simple husband. He is a wonderful person. My family is my life. And it is a life I am SO lucky to have.

Bringin' Sexy Back

You all know how I work. I'm fun and spunky and so dang gorgeous(ok, I'll keep the narcissism in check). That is until I go too long without getting my hair done or let my eyebrows get in a funk or gain some lbs or have some funny skin thing. I've had all of these!!! I've learned from my past mistakes. When you sit a wallow in self pity you just get fatter & uglier. There's no way around it. So, as my favorite saying goes, "Put on your big girl panties & DEAL". (I do sport a very cute apron that says this!) So, I made a plan.

1. Get a sitter...Kids went to Grandma's house for a few hours.
2. Head straight way to Nordie's...no detours.
3. Park by the lingerie dept...get measured for some hooter holder uppers, find the perfect fit, close the deal!(Please be measured everytime you go...and remember beige is not old lady, it's essential.)
4. If you have $, head to the denim racks to try on a good 10-20 pair of designer jeans. Goal is the illusion of a hot booty! $$'s tight, like mine is, head over to the next best thing...the Rack! Same goal.
5. New tee, just low enough to show off the hot new cleavage but barely high enough to pass the modesty check.
6. Eyebrow wax and I'm set.
7. Hair appt scheduled. Bummer I have to wait a couple weeks...but well worth the wait.

Now, that's the short term rescue plan, which has helped me tremendously. Now I've got to lose a few lbs which really sucks because I love great food above all else. But, you know, Rome wasn't built in a day...I'll be working on that one.